I recently had a very insightful conversation with a male friend of mine.  There are times when people say things that are so far out of my normal realm of being that I am floored by their words.  This friend of mine accused me of being too independent.  Now, for all who know me, such a thing has never ever been said to me before.  I was more than just floored, I was actually a little offended.  However, after a day of musing and occasional outbursts on my part, I was willing to look at what he said with more logic and less emotion.

 

His argument was that I am too independent because I don't need him enough.  Since he is nothing more than a friend, I don't look at him romantically. It never occured to me that he would be irritated by not being needed.  How much is enough though?  We all know what its like to want something, to need something, yet how much is enough?  His accusatory remark took me down the path of investigating what was so wrong with independence. 

 

All of us are different.  From our religious beliefs to our outlook upon life.  I don't believe that there is a single male deity who has the wisdom and omnipotence to control our lives for us.  I believe we have a hand in our own paths and as things happen, it is not because we are being tormented but because we are here to learn.  Be it the hard way or the easy way.  Many of my learning experiences in life were done the hard way.  Be it the product of fear or distrust or even lack of comprehension, much of what I have learned has been pounded into me until I finally buckle and accept what I've always known inside.  One of the things I have had to learn in this lifetime is how not to be the victim.  I have remained silent for too long and in that silence I have allowed myself to be less than who I am.  I have denied myself. 

 

Initially, I was angry when he went on to detail all the things I do on a daily basis that don't include him.  Yet, after taking a step back, I realized he was right.  There are a million things I do every single day, and I do them by myself.  I don't need him to fix my life.  I don't need him to make it all better while I cower in silence and wish for something better or something more.  The one thing that struck me at the end of the conversation was my sudden lack of anger.  What I realized was that he had a right to want to be needed more.  He wasn't wrong in asking for what he wanted.  Nor was I wrong for not being able to fulfill his needs.  We are different.  It is not my job to make him happy.  I am not here to mold myself into someone else's ideals.  I am here to be the best me that I can be and in the process, if I'm really lucky, I will be able to love and be loved by more people than I can ever begin to realize.  If the worst insult of my life is to be called too independent, then I will gladly slap that badge upon my chest.

 

The ripple of what we do reaches out and touches everything in its path.  Sometimes it bumps something else along the way and that too eventually reaches something else.  The circle is never ending.  I feel blessed to be a part of it.